Thank you for this good (and often asked question).  This is a question that is not directly addressed in the Bible, but I believe there are enough scriptural principles to give an answer.  First, I see you are asking about you and your husband, and that is a good thing.  Scripture limits all sexual activity to the husband and wife.  We read in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God.” Fornication includes any sexual activity outside of marriage. 

There are two purposes for sex…procreation and pleasure.  The pleasure of intimacy and sexual fulfillment is an important part in the lives of most marriage partners.  However, in having a sexual relationship with our spouses, we should not be so selfish as to only seek to please ourselves.  While deriving pleasure from the sex act, our desire should be specially to please our spouse. 

Normally, in the sex act of a married couple, there is a time of arousal where both will seek to stimulate the other so that both might have a satisfying encounter.  This is done by talking, kissing, hugging, touching, etc.  In his book, INTENDED FOR PLEASURE (Sex Techniques and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage) by Ed Wheat, MD, he writes, “A gentle caressing of the genitalia will greatly increase sexual excitement at this point.  Be creative and imaginative rather than rough, blundering, or predictable in your approach.  Always remember that stirring the imagination helps bring about the most response in both men and women.  ANYTHING IS PERMISSIBLE AS LONG AS IT IS DESIRED BY BOTH PARTNERS, affords mutual pleasure, and does not offend either partner.  The scriptures tell us that the joyous sexual expression of love between husband and wife is God’s plan.  Hebrew 13:4 proclaims the fact that the marriage union is honorable and the bed undefiled.  The word translated as ‘bed’ in the Greek New Testament is actually ‘coitus’, the word meaning sexual intercourse.”

I would agree with Dr. Wheat in his remarks, but I want to reemphasize that there must be a mutual desire or agreement by both partners.  One should not be made to, or coerced to, do any sexual act with which they are uncomfortable or unwilling to do.  If one has an objection for any reason, that must be respected.  You can leave the line of communication open about the matter, but if it is not mutually agreed upon, it is not mutually fulfilling.  If one becomes obsessed with only his/her enjoyment, then the act becomes less of an act of intimacy and more of an act of selfishness.  It is apparent that to use someone solely for your own selfish pleasure is not an act of love at all. 

In Dr. Wheat’s comment about ‘stirring the imagination’, this does not mean that we should begin to fantasize about someone else during the sex act.  To use our imagination is to consider ways that we can better please our spouse. 

Especially for the husbands, we read in 1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”  As husbands, we must be particularly careful that we do not take advantage of our wives.  We should show them honor and not try to get them to engage in any activity that they are not comfortable with. 

We should enjoy the freedom the Lord gives to us express intimacy with our spouses.  But we must do so in consideration of the desires or reticence of one another.  (485.2)