Your question is somewhat confusing for initially I thought you had “a relationship with the first woman” with whom you also had a child and then you got married to your present wife with whom you also share a child. But you used the words “an affair” which suggests you were married at the time. Whatever the case may be, you were wrong to have a relationship with a woman who was not your wife. Add to that the fact that you still harbor feelings towards this woman which robs your wife of the feelings you should have for her. You don’t say whether or not you are a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, but if you are you should feel very guilty for committing FORNICATION or ADULTERY and for not loving your wife completely. The Bible clearly condemns fornication or adultery in Ephesians 5:1, “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints.” The sin of adultery is so serious in God’s eyes that it is grounds for divorce. The Lord states this in Matthew 19:32, “But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason EXCEPT SEXUAL IMMORALITY causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” God hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16), but when a man has sexual intercourse with one who is not his wife, he is breaking the union formed in marriage. We see this in 1^st Corinthians 6:16, “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For ‘the two,’ He says, ‘shall become one flesh.’”

Again, there are unknown factors involved here that make it difficult to answer your question. Does your wife know about the other woman, including the child you had with her and your current feelings for her? If so, how is she reacting to these things? If she is a believer in Christ and desiring to work out the problem you are having with your current feelings for her by seeking out godly Christian counselors that can help both of you get through this? Or is she holding this against you and perhaps considering a divorce which would be within her rights if you were married at the time you committed adultery (as we saw in Matthew 19:32)?

Perhaps she is totally ignorant of these things (the affair, the child, and your feelings for this woman). If that is the case, you really need to do some deep “soul-searching,” for SHE IS YOUR WIFE and you need to abandon your feelings for the “other woman” and “love your wife completely.” We read in Ephesians 5:25, “Husband, LOVE YOUR WIVES, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” We are told in 1^st Peter 3:7, “Husbands, likewise, DWELL WITH THEM WITH UNDERSTANDING, GIVING HONOR TO THE WIFE, as to the weaker vessels, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”  To “dwell with them” means we are (as another has said) “to make a home together in every aspect of a shared home-life” and “to provide for her security which involves her physical, emotional and material security.” How can we live up to these standards if we don’t “love our wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her?” Obviously, we CAN’T honor our wife and care for her in every way if our heart is divided between her and another woman. Our heart MUST be “completed focused on her” just as Christ’s heart was focused on the church when He laid down His life on the cross to redeem us and to make us His bride (see Galatians 1:4; 2:20; Ephesians 5:2, 22-32).

In closing, I will be praying for you. May you judge your heart in the Lord’s presence and seek His forgiveness (see 1^st John 1:9). May you ask Him to give you the grace to “forget the other woman” and to “love your wife completely.” And last, but not least, may your desire also be to GLORIFY your Lord and Savior (if you are saved), for you ought to “love Him first and foremost” and to “honor Him in everything you do” (see 1st John 4:8-10, 14 and 1^st Corinthians 10:31).  (DO)  (601.3)